By Lawrence I. Charters (writing as Herr Kaiman)
LSA Open Stacks, Volume 23, Number 8, December 17, 1976, pp. 2-3.
Libraries have always had as their motto the phrase, “If you can find it, you can read it.” Even in olden days, past the dawn of recorded rock (jazz, even), when librarians were considered book guardians, this dictum was rigorously upheld. It must be conceded, of course, that old libraries were so constructed that no one could ever find anything and, as a result , no one ever got a chance to read (see “The True Cause of Past Illiteracy,” Journal of Library Seances VI:323-514), but the rule endured anyway.
Today, libraries make a conscious effort to give this sacred motto more application, and reference departments have been established for this purpose. Though roughly half of all reference questions are of the “Can you fix this parking ticket?” and “Where are the restrooms?” variety, several actually deal with libraries themselves. Reference librarians are assisted in their jobs by card and book catalogs, kardex and linedex records, specialized bibliographies, and even reference books on reference books. Signs are usually liberally distributed throughout the library building so that vital information (“Do Not Post Signs.” “No Books Allowed.” “Beware of Book Trucks,” etc.) can be brought immediately to the patron’s attention. Since a few libraries (which need not be named) strongly resemble rat mazes or obstacle courses, maps are often provided in order to cut down on the number of missing person reports.
Still, reference resources could never quite satisfy patron needs – until now, that is. The World Heuristic Analog Translator (WHAT), now in the testing stage, may someday replace all the signs, catalogs, reference personnel, and perhaps the libraries themselves.
Programmed with all the world’s knowledge, WHAT can take a patron’s question and rapidly provide a full and complete answer, including printed copy. In one test case, WHAT was asked for a complete bibliography of Isaac Asimov’ s works. The fact that the test technician was crushed in the resulting flood of paper should in no way detract from the impressive performance of WHAT.
Use of the Microcranial Electrode (ME) allows WHAT to transmit answers directly into a patron’s brain. Unfavorable media coverage exaggerated the case of one project engineer who had her hair frizzed after a minor accident involving ME. Excluded from these reports was any mention of the fact that the engineer had been bald before the accident and loves her new frizz.
Overseeing the introduction of WHAT into library systems is a new international organization patterned after the International Geophysical Year of the 1950’s. World Reading and Reference Year (WORRY) plans to put several new library innovations, including ME and WHAT, into general use before the end of the decade. So, when you can’t find an item that you’re looking for, just think of the future and ask yourself: WHAT, ME WORRY?